Scorpio
Do you ever catch yourself with a really strange look on your face, oblivious as a small child picking his nose in public? You're living in a fantasy world, and that's where you belong so you don't mess up the rest of us, you cur.

Sagittarius
This month will be exactly like the last one, but with refried beans, gefilte fish, and fat men with mullets wearing slip-dresses and singing 'Californication.' I don't get it either.

Capricorn
Waking up every morning in a pool of sweat is good for your skin.

Aquarius
Have you ever heard of Batesian mimicry, or the evolutionary imitation of unpalatable species by palatable ones? For example, there is a very rare variety of carrot that imitates the rather unpalatable Chinese action man, Chow Yun Fat. You are like this carrot, but better methods of self-defense will soon become necessary. I recommend aposematic coloration that would have violated your high school dress code several times over.

Pisces
You are lemon juice in the eye of evil, a hangnail on the throbbing finger of corruption, mucus clogging the airways of betrayal, a boil in the armpit of imprisonment, a goiter riotously springing from the neck of hatred, a paper cut in the lip of lies, wax in the ears of snobbery, hair in the mouth of greed, mold on the foot of discord, a blister behind the knee of discouragement. Single-handedly, you will revive the widespread use of the word 'grody.' You are valiant. You are ethical. You make people vomit. You are Pisces Power.

Aries
When I watched the Blair Witch Project, I'm not ashamed to say that it scared the shit out of me. Everybody said it was scary because you never actually saw the threat, and they were right. By the time I staggered out of the theater and ran for the car, a hundred potential Blair Witches were waiting for me in the parking lot: invisible man-eating ducks, vampiric pugs, flying homicidal carrot peelers. You haven't grown out of it either. I can see you forming illusory threats to your cushy future as I write this piece of trash.

Taurus
I sense a moment of discomfort approaching, perhaps slight embarrassment, like how guys feel when they're out dancing and 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' comes on- a mixture of mild uncertainty, a vague sense of injustice, and a suppression of the urge to blush because they remember lip-synching it in front of the bathroom mirror. Sure, you may play it off as if you're mocking it, but you're really just giving in to guilty temptation.

Gemini
Speaking of bathrooms, Geminis remind me of an electric hand dryer- not as bad for the environment as most people, but never staying on quite long enough when it comes to helping others out. Stopping just short of what is necessary can lead to the resurgence of a troubled past, and, even worse, mysteriously wet doorknobs.

Cancer
Perhaps you felt disappointed, but I tell you now that your wishes can still be made reality. Who cares if the 2000 project didn't turn out so well, and New Year's was just the same boring worldwide firework display of blind, self-indulgent human supremacy? It's never too late for a good olā apocalypse. After all, you are The One.

Leo
I foresee a valley, a deep chasm approaching in your life, and you will soon be forced to cross that rift. Matters of trust in others will come into play. If you choose to rely on yourself, you must make do with your available resources at the time: a hairbrush, a knit pullover, five paper clips, a box of lox, and a cotton dickie. What, you thought I was speaking figuratively? I don't think so. Hint: eat the lox, it's magic!