Gemini
I suggest the steak, since you've already ordered a full-bodied Merlot. Get it medium-rare, and perhaps a nice house salad to start. Italian dressing.

Cancer
Sure, you're parents told you never to accept things from strangers. Perhaps those men are trying to poison you, but maybe they're just nice. Are you willing to pass up hard candy for the ludicrous notion that some guy wants to "drug you up and have his way with you"? Take a chance this month.

Leo
36 left, 12 right, 17 left. You're welcome.

Virgo
You see that cute blond over there? Don't look! I'm telling you, man, she's checking you out. All right, look, but don't look like you're looking, got it? You should go talk to her. Dude, she so wants you, though.

Libra
Sometimes you blurt out your thoughts about the opposite sex without thinking them through. Your friends reassure you that it's quaint and amusing, but when you walk away they refer to you as "Sexual Rain Man".

Scorpio
That Virgo across the room thinks you're checking him out. Quick, look like you're concentrating really hard on something. If he starts coming over, run for it.

Sagittarius
Things haven't been going you're way lately, but there's a new man/woman in town, and you're ready to jump his/her bones. Please, use a prophylactic. God only knows where that shemale's been.

Capricorn
It's "sacrificing" when you give up your own needs for the greater good. But it's "selfish" when you break your little sister's piggy bank looking for beer money on Friday night. Go figure.

Aquarius
You're feeling that perhaps a change in career path is in order, as your sign is in the house of transition. I suggest animal husbandry.

Pisces
I know that sometimes it's tough always being the little guy, the last one picked, and a repellent to members of the opposite sex. But just think. An amoeba shits out of the same hole it eats with. Now things don't seem so bad, do they?