From the Mammon Issue (May 2000):
Fed Sez
Forget Columbia Community Outreach. Here are the Fed's suggestions for really helping people out
Fed Sez is back to help you with life's problems. The heist was a bust, and you got caught. You have two choices. You can either spend a few months in a state penitentiary playing house with Bubba, or you can buckle down and do a little community service. Now, your frail form wouldn't last ten minutes in Sing Sing, but you have a thing about getting your hands dirty. Maybe picking up crack vials in St. Nicholas Park doesn't float your boat, and all the good jobs are taken. Of course, you have to do something, according to the judge. So, what then? Well, we here at the Fed have come up with a few alternative ideas so that you can do your part for the community, and clean up your record.
Take a High School Loser to the Prom
There's nothing more embarrassing than being the only debutante with no date to the ball, especially if you're already at the bottom of the pre-collegiate pecking order. So why not lend a hand and escort one of our socially challenged brethren to the big dance? It's not like you have to sleep with them. And we're not pointing any fingers, but most of you were in that position once, too. Consider it nerd karma.
Give the Crazy Cat Lady a Day Off
Looking for something with a looser dress code? Remember that crazy old lady with a thousand cats down the street? You could always help out by cleaning her litter boxes. How cruel to think that Old Lady Crotchet could do that all by herself. She's only one crazy old woman, and there are oh so many cats. If this is up your alley, you better get hopping, because the folks down at Bingo Night are starting to complain about the smell.
Lend a Hand at your local "Subversive" Newspaper
You could always do a little layout work for the Fed. We can't pay you, but there's always our undying love and affection. If that's not enough of an incentive, how about some key lime pie? The Fed is good for the community, wouldn't you agree? And if you do lend a hand, we'll stop making fun of you because you couldn't get a date to the prom.
Kill Jar Jar Binks
For the truly industrious and civic-minded, do we have a job for you. If you can manage the airfare, why not take a trip out to Skywalker Ranch in lovely Marin County, California? Once there, it will be your task to sneak in under old George Lucas' nose and erase all the computer files containing Jar Jar Binks, thereby removing him from the next Star Wars movie. Think about it, this isn't only good for the community, it's good for mankind. If someone doesn't take action, just imagine the consequences. As an incentive, we're offering free diplomatic immunity to any soul brave enough to undertake the endeavor.
Still at a loss for something to do? That court order ain't getting any younger. Here are a few more ideas from your friendly Fed staff. We would do them, but we're too busy getting our fill of free food at Barnard art shows and department information sessions. And besides, you don't have a newspaper to run. So, dear Fed reader, it's all you.
You could always:
Volunteer to be director of Latino Studies.
Ply prospective students with information on what a great school Yale is
.
Head up the Campus Coalition for Universal Acceptance of Laurie's Hotness.
Give a Vietnam vet a tetanus shot
If you can't think of anything else, you might as well just kill yourself. At least you'll be helping to stem off over-population
Have something to say? Email the Fed
