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From the Radio Free America Issue (Mar 2000):
Fed Sez You have problems? We have answers. We at The Fed do anything we can to help you, the loyal reader (as long as we receive credit and can put something snazzy on our resume). But The Fed has some problems. You see, we'd like to labor long and hard finding the cure for cancer or solving superstring theory for you, but we're scared of lab rats and our calculators only give pi up to ten digits. Besides, we've got a paper to put out. "Hmm," thinks The Fed, "Great journalistic entities get respect for merely suggesting solutions for world problems. We could do that! Before deadline, too!" And so came into being "Fed-Sez". First up - Fed-Sez takes on pro-choice vs. pro-life!
Problem:
Solution: "That's odd," you might think. "I've never heard, say, the New York Times advocate mud wrestling." But let us explain. We at The Fed believe in bringing the great debates of our age to the public's attention. Unfortunately, the public would rather eat cheese doodles and watch professional bowling than heed the great debates of our age. So, we had to work with modernity! The New York "Fuddy-Duddy" Times believes in upholding the worn-out torches of "intellectual consideration" and "journalistic integrity"; but at The Fed we know we must package idea-based events in entertainment-friendly coverings. Like mud wrestling! Don't think that the Fed advocates indiscriminate mud wrestling. No - we think it should serve a purpose (besides, of course, adolescent-boy-fantasy). We think it should decide the question. Face it - no amount of protests or counter-protests will change anyone's mind. But, if each side picks a champion for a winner-takes-all mud wrestling contest... well, minds still won't be changed, but the fear of superior wrestling force will keep the losing side quiet.
A final point. The Fed believes in gender equity. Big burly men have dominated
wrestling for far too long! The recent trend of allowing shapley women clad in bikinis
into the ring should be encouraged. Besides, 100% of male mud-wrestlers will never have
an abortion. With the miracles of modern medicine, someday that may change. But for
now, let women fight for their reproductive rights! In bikinis!
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