The peer advisors of the Alcohol and Substance Abuse Prevention Program (ASAP) at Barnard would like to make a collective response to the author of the article in the Fed's Love Issue 1999, a CU paper volume 15, issue 2. The article was entitled, "Barnard Girls Are Easy!...But You'll Have To Leave Your Dorm" and we are particularly responding to the caption under the photo which states "You don't have to bring flowers to get a Barnard girl; liquor usually works just as well...sometimes even better! Yeah!"

We are not assuming the position of defense - Why? We are not assuming the position of disgrace - Why bother? Instead, we would simply like to draw awareness to this type of thinking and how this article is potentially harmful as it pollutes the thinking and relationships between the women of Columbia and Barnard. Divide and conquer strategies go back to the cavemen. We are women first and will not buy into this sexist and manipulative practice of pitting one group against another. This is a disgrace to women everywhere.

Like any "good businessman," the Fed seeks to divide, confuse, and conquer the women who are apparently both his competition and his destined victim. His message is not new - ply a girl with alcohol and she will go to bed with you. But he succeeds in nothing but calling attention to Columbia University's inadequate Rape Crisis Policy and makes women, his stated adversary, more aware of the sad possibility that all the Columbia men want is drunken, meaningless sex! Doesn't this stereotype men too? Fed, you can keep your weak chivalry, your cheap drinks, and your poor skills out of the field of wit and journalism!

A Feditor responds...

Upon reflection, the caption that you refer to is offensive. The Fed regrets printing it. Thank you for writing. I am sorry that we got your letter 3 months after you sent it. Our mailbox regularly overflows with mail from the zany right wing groups we were formerly affiliated with, so we hate to check it, and only do so about every three months. Next time, send an e-mail.

Finally, although I agree with the point of your letter, I have some reservations about the details of your argument. It's bad form to quibble when you're in the wrong and you know it, so I won't, but just for general public information, I wrote that caption. Lechery isn't a male thing only. Go to Saint's sometime.

I came to college hoping that in some small way I would be able to help in the effort to erode gender stereotypes and liberate womenkind, although this isn't exactly what I had in mind. I bet my mom is proud.

--Laurie

Dear Fed,

Thanks for sending me the copies of the Fed, I just received them today and read through all three. Absofuckinglutely brilliant. I laughed, I cried, I thought twice about applying to Yale. Keep up the good work, and who knows...I'll be glad to write for you if the admissions deities look with favor upon my humble sacrifice come next year.

--Matt Talbot

Matt,
I am glad you liked The Fed. I am not sure if it my place to say, but I couldn't resist: GO TO YALE! GO TO YALE!!!!

Ok, Columbia is not so bad, but damn if I had the chance to do it again, I'd for sure go to Yale. From what I hear, Yale is a lot like what I thought Columbia would be like.

--Laurie

Heh, is that why you guys throw in the occasional Yale reference?

Uh, maybe.

From: mmedia
Subject: Don't Die a Virgin

Erin T,
You're very funny. Just click your heels and repeat, " There's no place like Butler. There's no place like Butler," and surely some ersatz wizard will accommodate you. Good Luck.

Well, I don't know, but if you ask me chanting and doing weird stuff with your feet is not very sexy. Maybe it's a guy thing.

Dear Fed Leaders,

Hello, I am a sophomore at New York University and the Field Director of the New York City Region Chapter of the World Federalist Movement. This non-profit group spreads awareness about the benefits of increased international cooperation. Just as the founders of our country needed to move from a Confederation of States to a centralized Federal government, members of this growing movement are discussing continuation of this evolution to an international level - before a crisis forces us to. Only by strengthening UN powers will we be able to monitor nuclear weapons, protect the environment, and regulate transnational corporations. Our generation will soon inherit this world. We need a vision in this discussion.

I want to exchange ideas with you. Our chapter's web-site is currently being reconstructed, but you can still check it out at "worldfederalist-nyc.org." I look forward to discussing ways to continue this dialogue on our campuses.

--Wynn Williamson

Here come the black helicopters!

From: Jim Herns
Subject: Goetterdaemmerung 2000

At the last meeting of the Free Art Club we discussed the need to alert University students regarding the imminent takeover of America by the United Nations, as confirmed by recent sightings of the dreaded "Black Helicopters." The UN may be the least of our worries, however...

Widespread television coverage of the WTO ministerium appears to have unleashed a catastrophe of global proportions. A Channel 7 broadcast was picked up by a passing flotilla of alien spacecraft which at once changed course towards the World Trade Center. Emissaries are demanding that Earth deliver on the World Trade Organization's promises of unrestricted "World Trade."

The notorious "Black Bloc" - the anarchist commando group that seized the streets and home-appliance store of Seattle - has relocated to the abandoned subway tunnels under Third Ave and is rumored to be plotting an all-out assault on the 1/9 line.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation reports that Branch Davidian agents have been sighted lurking within the turrets of the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. A confrontation appears imminent. The Vatican press confirms that the Archangel Gabriel has been called upon to intervene, with force if necessary.

The great Aztec deities Xmalenque and Seven Jaguar have roused themselves from their millennium-long slumber and are leaving a path of destruction in their wake as they make their way towards the community gardens of the Lower East Side. A blood sacrifice of all real-estate developers in the area has been scheduled, in the hope of appeasing the ancient gods.

The Free Art Club of Columbia University appears to represent humanity's last chance to rally together and organize a unified resistance.