The idea spread through the campus. Eventually, even Barnard's lesbian and feminist contingents capitulated: "I'm sick of licking and nuzzling rosy, buoyant female flesh," said one former "grrrl", shiny blond hair extensions swinging from what used to be a buzz-cut. "I guess I just need to find the right man to show me what real loving is."

This campus-wide sentiment engendered some changes. The Housing Office pitched in, installing "Magic Fingers" and ceiling mirrors in every room, and Dining Services will now serve chocolate syrup and pudding in convenient take-home packs. The Barnard Baby-sitting Service has welcomed a sister organization, the Barnard Escort Service. "We hope to work in tandem," said Candy, the head of the service. "For instance, a man might want a naked eighteen-year-old to comment on his thick, full head of hair while his wife, wearing nothing more than an apron, washes dishes and offers them tasty home-baked snacks. But, someone has to take care of the children of this man while he enacts his fantasies- that's where the baby-sitting service comes in. Traditionally, children have taken refuge in libraries or public parks while their parents have had sex, even huddled in closets, covering their ears, rocking back and forth, and droning 'I'm a good boy/girl. I'm a good boy/girl.' Now, baby-sitters can assure that these activities do not go unsupervised, and they can also join in the fantasy action after-hours. Strict guidelines will prevent any tragic Michael Kennedy-like repercussions."

Some work on the physical structure of the campus will necessary in the near future. Groups have turned their attention towards this deficit, and are calling for an extensive network of tunnels to be built connecting Barnard and Columbia. Someday, according to their plans, any male at Columbia will be able to duck into any one of a number of entrances and be funneled into a barely-legal coed's room for a sexually explicit romp.